We have learnt about history, biology, chemistry and the legality of marriage but we never studied how to build harmonious relationships. When it comes to managing challenges in relationships, we have no reference. It is mostly learnt from trial-and-error and I have personally observed it’s mostly error.
The real problem is that most of the unhealthy relationship habits are part of our culture. In our relationships, we see our partners as assets rather than someone to share life.
Here are two of the most common tendencies in relationships which may be destroying everything you hold dear.
Holding your partner responsible for your emotions:
Sometimes you are having a bad day and your partner isn’t being supportive, he/she is on the phone for some work. you kissed or hugged but your partner was distracted. You want to be home together and spend some time, but they have plans with friends.
So you get angry at them for being so insensitive towards you. You had a bad day and they have done nothing about it. However, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and cancelled their plans.
It’s very toxic when you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times, that leads to developing codependent tendencies. Then anything you do at home or with friends must be negotiated and compromised. All personal desires are at stake because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they develop resentment. Sure, if my partner gets mad at me because he/she is having downswings and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around their emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter towards their feelings.
The best way to deal with it is to take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There is an important difference between being supportive and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation.
Keeping a record of mistakes
It’s when someone you are dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship start keeping a record of mistakes (like a scorecard) then it becomes a fight to see who has screwed up the most, and therefore who owes the other one more.
You made fun of me at Priya’s party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK now because this time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to be upset, so it’s even… this is a really bad approach
Keeping a track record of mistakes over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less guilty than the other. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.
The best way is to deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. You must understand that by choosing to be with your partner, you are choosing to be with all of their past. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.