In real love, you want the other person’s good.
In romantic love, you want the other person.
– Margaret Anderson
Real love is never ownership, only stewardship of this moment’s experiences.
I love the quote by Margaret Anderson. However, I would add that in real love you also want your own good as well as the other person’s good. When you are supporting your own and the other person’s highest good, you never need to possess the other person. You want to share the love with your beloved, rather than get love through owning them.
There is nothing controlling about real love—it supports your own and your partners’ freedom. In contrast, infatuation is often jealous and possessive, coming from fear of loss. ‘Love’ that comes from fear is not love—it is neediness. Infatuation comes from inner emptiness and expects the other person to fill the empty place that comes from self-abandonment.
Real love of another comes from the real love of self – from knowing and valuing your true Self so that you can know and value the true self of your beloved. Infatuation comes from projecting onto the other person the qualities that you disown in yourself. When you are infatuated, you are seeing the other person through the ego wounded eyes of your self-abandonment.
Beyond Infatuation to Real Love
Sharing real love with a beloved partner is truly the highest experience in life. Nothing comes close to the joy of sharing your heart and soul with another while the other is sharing his or her heart and soul with you, and you are each fully receiving each other. Nothing is more profound than these moments of sharing love.
Most people sense the truth of this but often confuse the sharing of love with the getting of love. While getting love may provide a momentary good feeling, it is a mere shadow of the joy experienced in the sharing of love.
You can’t share what you don’t have. If you are not loving yourself—through defining your own worth, speaking up for yourself, taking responsibility for learning from and managing your feelings, creating financial and relationship safety, taking care of your body and managing your time and your environment well—then you are not filled within with the love that is Spirit. We get filled up with love when we love and value ourselves. If we do not love ourselves, then we are abandoning ourselves, which creates an empty place within. Infatuation comes from this empty needy place, which is why it doesn’t last.
Love that lasts is love that is not based on what you get, but on the true cherishing of your own and the other person’s essence – the true authentic Self. If you don’t know your own true Self, you most likely won’t see the other’s true Self. If you believe that you are your ego wounded self, filled with fear and false beliefs and are needy of being seen and loved, then you have not yet done the inner work necessary to discover the magnificence of your true, authentic Self, the one that goes beyond Infatuation to Real Love